> dream > home > artwork > present > king dong > (9) born-again christian cattle-prod door knob
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So then, I created a taser, cattel-prod doorknob to hook this circuit up too. I took a piece of clear cellophane tape and wrapped it around the doorknob to insulate it, then wrapped two bare telephone wires around in parallel, tightly embedding them into the cellophane tape, so when you grabbed on to that doorknob, there was no way your hand was not going to make contact with the both wires. Since the tape was clear and the wires were the same copper color as the doorknob, you could barely see them.

 
 

Then, I just ran two insulated wires from the telephone wires, through the doorknob, and up and around the back of the door to the 500-million volt buzzer circuit which I had placed on my dresser.

Now I tested this thing on myself first and it was so powerful, I swear, when you grabbed on to that doorknob every muscle in your arm was frozen, transfibulating in pain right through to your chest so the only way to get your hand off the doorknob was to move your legs and take a step back. We’re talking violent, gut-wrenching muscle spasms here, and it hurt like a motherfucker. So now my 500-million Volt Born-again Christian Masturbator Deflector Cattle-prod Doorknob was fully operational, and I could not wait to try it out on my father.

Which may seem a little harsh to you, but let me remind you what my dad put me through. Because with his born-gain Christian ways, not only did he try to keep me away from girls in my neighborhood – I couldn't even masturbate. I mean I wasn't asking for much, all I wanted was my right to masturbate, and look what he drove me to. Let me ask you, can you think of sinking to any level lower than having your born-again Christian mother catch you masturbating to a naked woman embracing a big, black nine-foot-long gorilla penis? NO! I don't think so. So I feel I was justified here in nuking my dad with 500-million volts, just to earn my right to masturbate.

So as soon as my father got home from work that day, I got very excited. I started jumping up and down on my bed really hard, until I got it squeaking really good, SQUEEK! SQUEEK! Sure enough my father heard, and came running across the house, boom, boom, BOOM! I quickly jumped off my bed and flicked on the circuit, BUZZ! and as soon as my father's hand made contact with that doorknob, I heard it go, ZAP! and he screamed, AH! and I nuked that born-again motherfucker with 500-million volts. YEA!

I got him good too, and I explained to him it’s common courtesy to knock before entering a room, just like his room. I didn't even think about the consequences – whether I was going to get punished or not. But I was lucky, because my dad was in denial that he got beat by a 15-year old born-again loser who liked to hang out in Radio Shack. So he wouldn't even admit he got shocked, "I didn't feel anything" he said. So not only did I get him just once, I nuked that born-again motherfucker three times before he learned his lesson, not to come into my room without knocking first, especially when my bed was squeeking!

 
 
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