Which of course, included all the girls in my neighborhood. Which really sucked, but was no big deal, ‘cause they were all ugly anyway. All these girls were southern Italian and kicking out Elvis Presly pork-chop sideburns by the time they were twelve. Meanwhile me, I was already well into puberty and I couldn't grow any sideburns at all. I must say I was kind of jelious of them. Needless to say, when it came to girls, I wasn't getting any action.

As you can imagine, I was extremely excited to get this Genesis porno magazine home, with the King Dong photo-shoot in it. So as soon as I got home, I immediately went to my room, closed the door, turned on the radio to cover any noise I might make and Hooked On A Feelin’ by Blue Swede came on: "OO GA OO GA OO GA CHA KA! I can’t stop this feelin’...OO GA OO GA! ...deep inside of me... GA CHA KA!" I started checking out this naked blond getting it on with a big, black nine-foot-long gorilla penis. Next thing you know BOING! I am hard as a motherfucker, and I start...you know...choking my chicken.

Now I'm part one-quarter dark, southern Italian mixed with three-quarters, white-bread Anglo-saxon-protestant, and I don't know if you noticed, but when you mix someone relatively light with someone relatively dark, many times the offspring have a lot of moles and birthmarks on their body. So, since I'm a mix, I've got a lot of moles and birth marks on my body, and I've got this one particular birth mark shaped like country of Italy, which happens to be on the tip of my penis. This is no lie, I've got the boot with Sicily as well.

Now I just rearranged my room so my bed was right in front of my bedroom door. I'm not thinking about what I'm doing: I'm on my back, I've got my legs spread facing my bedroom door with the magazine chokin' my chicken full bore, and right as I'm about to come, I'm like, uh! Uh! UH... and the next thing you know I hear footsteps and I'm like, "OH NO!" Before I could hide the magazine and pull up the covers, my mother flings open the door, sticks her head in the room, and goes, "TEDDY DINNER'S READY!" I am busted chokin' my chicken to a naked woman embracing a big, black nine-foot-long gorilla penis, with my dick, with the birthmark of Italy on the tip, pointed right at my born-again Christian mother's face, and I'm like, "OH SHIT!" I swear that birthmark was less than a foot from her face, (and could see her eyes kind of going crossed eyed looking at it,) and I'm fighting desperately, strangulating my dick so I don't shoot my load in my mothers face like an Italian piece of artillery with a coat of arms on the front.

So my mother just freaks, slams the door in my face, and runs back to the kitchen. The tension was really high at the dinner table that night, my mom asked me like three times, "Teddy (that’s what they called me back then), did you wash my hands before supper?" and I'm hanging my head like, "Yea mom, I washed my hands." You know, we can’t have the young Teddy touching his penis, and then the carrots and the peas, can we? So I knew something was up, and I though she was going to turn me in during family devotions, after supper. See every night after eating, we had to sit at the dinner table, read a chapter from the Bible, and then have “prayer time.” Which was really a form of browbeating because we had to sit through bullshit like my father going, "...and we pray, dear God, that Teddy will concentrate more on his homework." IT SUCKED! So I though my mom was going to turn me in at this point, but she didn't, and I was like, WHEW! But then, as soon as we got excused from the table, the word was out in the house, "TEDDY WAS MASTURBATING!" I could see my two sisters whispering and pointing at me, "Tee-hee, Teddy was masturbating!" and I'm like, "FUCK!" It was so humiliating.

Now I had a bookshelf above my bed, and every time I jumped up on my bed to get a book, my father would come running across the house, boom, Boom, BOOM! and bust in my room. I didn't know what was going on at first, but then I figured it out: when I jumped up on my bed, it would start squeaking really loud and my dad though I was masturbating, and wanted to bust me personally. See, he probably didn't believe my mom when she told him I was masturbating to a naked woman embracing a big, black nine-foot-long gorilla penis, and wanted hardcore proof for himself. This way he could get the magazine, burn it, and bring it up during family devotions after supper.

Because when you're a born-again Christian, instead of confessing your sins to a priest in private, like you do when you're Catholic, you confess your sins quote, “directly” to Jesus Christ your personal Lord and savior through prayer, and this in our family was done, yes you guessed it, during family devotions after supper. I could just see it, my whole family would be sitting there around the dinner table, with their heads bowed and hands folded together, and my father would go, "...and we pray, dear Jesus, that Teddy will stop MASTURBATING!" Oh man! The humiliation would be unbearable, and there was no way I was going to allow this to happen.