So a couple of years go by, I start to learn about girls, and I now know you don't need to risk your life in a tree to get off. I've graduated from taking the bra section of the Sears catalog into the bathroom with me, to my first porno magazine, which I used to quickly jerk myself of in my bedroom, because my bedroom door didn't have a lock on it, and I was so very afraid to get caught.

My first porno magazine – this was a historical time for me. It was way back in the summer of '76, this country's bicentennial, I vividly remember all the fireworks, and it was also the year they released the second re-make of King Kong starring Jessica Lange. So one day my good friend, Anthony Ricci, this Italian guy down the block, he lent me one of his Genesis porno magazines, which was the best porno magazine at the time, and in it they had a photo-shoot spoof on King Kong, called King Dong, which featured a beautiful, blond naked woman embracing big, black nine-foot-long gorilla penis. For some reason in my confused adolescent mind, this really turned me on. (I mean, think about it, to some horny fiteen-year old loser, a women grabbing on to giant gorilla phalis, is like some kind of heaven.) So I had to smuggle this magazine home in a Pink Floyd Animals album cover. This is true, that’s the album with the flying pig on the side, and fortunately it was one of those single albums that had a double-leaf fold-out cover, so there was plenty of room to fit the magazine in.