You know, most peoples' first sexual experience is usually with themselves, but I realize there are some people out there who were attractive and lucky enough to have their first sexual experience with another person. I’m really jealous of you people if that’s the case. I've also heard of some people, in the more rural parts of the country, having their first sexual experience with an animal. Well, I want you to know that when I had my first sexual experience I was not alone, but I wasn’t with another person, nor was I with an animal, O.K. My first sexual experience was with a plant. That's right, I had sex with a tree. But it's not what you think.

See one day I was climbing this tree in my grandmother's backyard and I didn't know what was going on, but it started to feel really good. Because as I was climbing, the trunk of this tree was like rubbing up against my crotch, and this really turned me on. So as soon as I realized the faster I climbed, the better it felt, I started climbing this tree faster than a motherfucker, and the next thing you know I'm like, uh, Uh, UH, AH! and I had my first sexual orgasm 30 feet in the air, hugging on to a fuckin' maple tree for dear life, like some kind of sexually confused sloth, YEA! So after I climaxed, of course, all my muscles relaxed and I'm like, WHOA! I almost fell out of the tree. I'm clawing at the branches trying to hold on, as I drop down through the tree, I though I was going to break my neck and die! I'm sure I was traumatized, because for me, my very first afterglow was a near fatal experience.

But from that point on I was hooked. Because to me, having sex was climbing. So I was climbing everything in sight: monkey bars, telephone poles, the ropes in gym class – I was the fastest guy in the class that year, and I kind of feel sorry for the guy who climbed ropes after me, huh?

You know when you climb a tree you get that sticky sap on you, and the bark is really dry and chafes your hands? Well I was quite confused, because I equated the smell and feel of a tree with having sex, by association this was a turn on for me. YO! Woodshop was a bitch! I'd just get a wiff of that wood, SNIFF and BOING! wood would me a woody. It was fucked up.

Consequently, the more I climbed the faster I got, and the tree in my grandmother's backyard was no longer tall enough for me to climb to get off. So I had to find even bigger trees to climb, just to get off. So there I was having orgasms fifty feet in the air, hugging on to some fuckin' tree for dear life, and one day in the afterglow I'm thinking to myself, KLUNK! “There's got to be a better way.” This is when I was in fourth grade, by the way, before I even knew about girls.