...or CANDY-FLIPPING ON A SATURDAY NIGHT AS A HOLY-MAN QUESTION-MARK-SPARK LISTENING TO ROCCO SEFFREDI SUCKING SOUNDS AS MY COMPUTER SCREEN BLOWS OUT IN MY FACE AQUA-BLUE PSHOO! LIKE POLTERGEIST PART III
a monologue by TJ Richter
You know, the other night I was in a very naughty mood and decided to write a little e-mail to my favorite porno star to purchase her panties. I was partying pretty hard, I had just dropped some high-quality mitsubishi ecstasy from Saint Louis, mixed in with some mushrooms, and I was startin' to feel pretty good.
To get in the mood I put on my favorite porno tape, which happens to feature Rocco Siffredi in Europe. I don't know if you are a Rocco fan, are you? ...well the dude is THE MAN. 'Cause Rocco is firm right from the base, every time, and when he shoots, it’s like a rope!
So I've got this tape on and the interesting thing was, that the video images themselves weren't turning me on, but the sound man was. All that heavy breathing and sucking sounds you know: “Huh, huh, slurp, slurp...” and I'm like “FUCK! this is the smoothest sound I've ever heard.” You know how ecstasy effects you. I'm like, “this is smoother than any music I've ever heard,” and I just wanted to be enveloped in this sound. So I turn my television “off” and route the sound from my VCR through my stereo system and I just got it blasting on 11.
Now normally, I'm very considerate of my neighbors and I never blast my stereo, but I was so intoxicated I had these Rocco Suffredi blow job sounds up way louder than any human beings could possibly make, so my neighbors know it's not me. (I mean you could hear the Rocco Suffreddi blow job sounds all the way at the other end of my apartment building. People would be coming home from work and they’d be like, “Yep, dude is definitly watching some hardcore fucking porn.” My poor neighboor is trying to have a quiet dinner with his girlfriend, but he can’t because the blow job sounds are coming through the wall...and he's banging on the wall BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! for me to turn it down. But in my mind I think he's banging his girlfriend and I'm like, “YES! what a perfect bass beat for the Rocco Suffredi sucking sounds!” You know, Slurp! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Slurp! it was like some kind of smooth hardcore trance techno music in my mind at that time.
So I am way out of control, I'm overheating from the ecstasy, I'm taking off my cloths, I'm naked, calling up my best friends on the phone like, “check it out!” and I'm holding the phone right up to the speakers so they can hear: “Huh, huh, huh, slurp, slurp, slurp...” I'm saying the most extreme, lewdest things to my best friends, you know, sexual stuff I want to do to them, backed up by the Rocco Suffredi sucking sounds with my neighbor banging on the wall in the background. I'm saying things that I regret right now to this day, and hopefully one day my friends will forgive me.
So I get off the phone and I'm like, all right, now I'm in the mood to write this e-mail to my favorite porno star, her name is Alexis and she's at raverporn.net. So the effects of the mushrooms are starting to kick in and I'm getting some pretty cool ideas.
Like it's a SCIENTIFIC FACT that sometimes radio waves will bounce off of our nearest constellation, Alpha Centuri, and come back to earth. There was a case where this whole small town picked up a news broadcast from the 50’s and it was kind of like an Orson Wells, War of the Worlds thing where everyone was freaking out because they thought they were going back in time.
So I have this vision of an old-school, young sensitive scientist in a planetarium diligently recording his data late into a Saturday night, while he’s checking out Alpha Centuri on his radio-telescope, and by some fluke, inverse-shift in the universal field, he starts picking up old raverporn.net connections on his video monitor. At first, as the images are downloading, they're highly-pixelated, and for a moment he thinks he's made a new discovery. He's like, “Oh my God! It's a nipple nebula!”
But then, as the images finally load, he realizes the heavenly bodies he's gazing at are not constellations at all, but indeed raverporn cuties. So he's kind of taken aback, because he's this dignified old-school young scientist. But eventually his curiosity kicks in and he starts exploring the site. He discovers this one particular picture of Alexis, who's totally candied-out and she's got the slightest bit of body glitter just sparkling on her thighs. This reminds the young scientist of stardust, his life’s work, he sits back, he smiles, and in the light of the full moon, his lonely romantic heart falls in love...
So I'm starting to get some pretty cool ideas and I’m trying to type them into my computer, but now the mushrooms are really kicking in, and I'm starting to hallucinate. My computer screen starts turning thick and pasty white, like an onion's skin; and I can see these clear, silicone veins popping out of the side of it, throbbing like the veins on the side of your head. The text is these thin leafs of toner just rolling across the screen like Fall leaves in the wind.
I’m squinting, and it’s downright painful for me to write because the screen is filling up with more and more of these hallucination veins. So I'm even putting that into the e-mail, the pain you know, hoping I can charm this girl into giving me her panties for free, right?
So I'm coming up with some pretty cool lines like:
“My dear Alexis,
Rolling on a wave of ocean-emotion ecstacy and the finest desart mushroooms I loom in a quest:
Like some raging/screaming locust-eating,
Holy-hallucinating Prophet-destroyer, “BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!”
Because the price of your panties no matter how high or future stock options to buy,
Could never cover or re-cover my cost NOW of this tribute to you:
A dyslexic-riddled illogical-physiological operating system's thinking-of-you,
Back-spacing-and-erasing, tediously tipsy, typing, TORTURE ...AAAHHHhhh!”
So now I’m full-on hallucinating, I can’t see even the computer screen 'cause it’s so full of veins. Then I get the bright idea: I'm writing about this girl's aqua-blue panties, I'll just change the desktop color to aqua-blue and this will fix everything. This made perfect sense to me at the time. So I go to the menu, pull down to “change desktop color to blue,” and as soon as I let go the entire computer screen blows out in my face aqua-blue, PHEESHWOO! like Poltergeist Part III, and I just totally lose it. These bright blazing blue beams of light just knock me out and I am slumped-over-naked in my chair.
So I lose consciousness and dream I am a holy man in the desert, this is true. I’ve got a wooly beard, staff and robes like a tripping Saint John the Baptist of the Strange, and I am so alone. I'm surrounded by hundreds of square miles of inert matter, I'm the only living thing, and I feel this deep, deep sense of loneliness and isolation. So and the next thing you know, the desert drops away from me, my body drops away, and I feel my essence, as this spark surround by nothing. I don't know anything, the only thing I can do is question. So therefore I was a flickering, question-mark spark in a void, and I'm thinking to myself, “this is the most I can possibly be, or anyone for that matter.” So this thorouly fucked-up state a cosmic truth is revield to me, and it was very, very a humbling experience.
So I come out of this stupor, this mushroom stupor, and by that time the porno tape has run out, and it’s just blasting this white noise static BISSSSHHH! I'm like, “FUCK!” I find out my neighbor really wasn't banging his girlfriend, so he's pissed at me for blasting the Rocco Seffredi sucking sounds. My friends who I had called up earlier...You know, I thought I was doing a good thing, telling them all this sexual stuff I was going to do to them, and I though it was like, “good,” and it turns out it wasn't. So now these people are not talking to me anymore, and I am stuck with this humbling holy-man, question-mark-spark vision inside my head, and I realize I have now gone way further then anyone should ever go for another person's underwear.
by TJ Richter
© March 2000 Theodore J. Richter