SANTA CLAUS was a space alien sent from another galaxy to colonize Earth!
And scientists have ice etchings from thousands of years ago to prove it! That's the astounding conclusion of researchers who uncovered a series of mysterious hieroglyphics high in the Alps that expose the real story behind Father Christmas.
Literally hundreds of bizarre markings -- which have been carbon-dated to about 3500 BC -- were discovered on a massive wall of ice atop one of the Alps' lesser known peaks.
"It's amazing," says Johann Finn, member of an international archeological team. "The etchings have remained intact for centuries, almost completely hidden by snowbanks."
"The more snow we removed, the more etchings seemed to appear," Finn explains. "Removing snow from ice is a lot more difficult than cleaning dirt from pottery; it probably took us longer to uncover the etchings than it did the ancients to actually engrave them."
While events regarding the discovery are still surrounded by wild speculation, experts agree one thing is certain: Santa was no inhabitant of this planet.
Historian Keef Dersal, who called from his Bonn, West Germany home, investigated the discovery, and likens the story the etchings tell to the arrival of Columbus in the New World.
"It is clear that Santa Claus was sent on a mission from another galaxy to colonize the Earth. He brought gifts to make friends with the humans, the same way Christopher Columbus did with the Indians."
"The flying sleigh was really a spaceship designed to cross the great expanses of space, as well as fly in the Earth's atmosphere," he explains. "The reindeer were not animals at all, but highly-sophisticated, voice-controlled rocket engines which could respond instantly to the spoken word."
"We suspect phrases such as 'On Prancer, on Dasher, on Donner,' etc., were really verbal commands for each individual engine."
According to Dersal, Santa's beloved elves were actually grotesque android slaves programmed to do Santa's bidding. They made gifts, piloted the ship, and took care of the bearded extraterrestrial while he was in suspended animation during deep space flight.
"This helps explain why Santa landed in such a cold climate," notes Finn, who aide Dersal in deciphering the strange etchings. "It probably eased the shock of being frozen and asleep for all those years."
If the ice markings are to be believed, Santa used a transporter similar to the kind featured on Star Trek to beam himself short distances form his ship. The device allowed him to materialize instantly within a room. The only way to explain these mysterious appearances was "sliding down the chimney," says Dersal.
What's more, the etchings suggest something went wrong during Santa's stay on Earth and he was called back to his native galaxy.
"But before leaving, he promised to return bearing gifts for all those who were 'good,'" Dersal notes. "It was an incentive for the human race to keep the planet in good shape until he returned."
Dersal refused to comment further since investigations are continuing and researchers are keeping their full finding a secret until a later date.
by TJ Richter
© November 1993 Theodore J. Richter