Nitrous Oxide Black Widow Spiders

YES-SIR-EE! Everyone needs a helping hand once in a while, and everyone’s liberal, until they get robbed, or in this case conned, "HUH?" Vampires have always existed, and they’re not always out for blood, Ahhhhh...! Picture Elvira as a pregnant, dark-wave welfare-mother trading food-stamps in for canisters of nitrous oxide, SSSSS... and you get the idea. For them, the world's one joy ride, "WHOO-WHO!" of food stamps, welfare checks, and free hand-outs, ka-CHINK!

At parties these vampires take on a slightly different form, candy-girls made of sugar and spice and everything nice on the outside, "TEE HEE HEE!" But inside, ungrateful little gargoyles of giggling greed, "AH HA HA HA!" and they’re oh so cute. Like black-widow spiders they descend upon you with sob-stories, BLAH BLAH BLAH! spinning wobbly little webs of wanton woe, “My best friend just borrowed her mother’s car...and we ran out of gas...and I’m oh so VERY THIRSTY...will you buy me a drink, please?” Pretty please with sugar and a boob-flattening hug on top, "UH!" Ya right! A free drink, an e-pill, a no-return five dollar loan, it all might as well be voided avoided food stamps.

To these devious little darlings of delirious deception we offer the Nitrous Oxide Black Widow Spider Calling Card. Quick, for a free call write this down, 1-800-NITROUS! And this number, beep beep beep, is redeemable for, "the number you have reached has been disconnected" absolutely nothing sucker! BOO-WHO! I can't get a ride home!" Now the spider became it's prey, AH HA HA HA! and they partied happily every after in a goth-rocking Dodge Neon death trap love machine which magically transformed all the drugs and lies into true love, or at least the saturday night equivalent there of, SMOOCH! SMOOCH! SMOOCH!

by TJ Richter

© September 1, 2001 Theodore J Richter

Webs Of Interest

Growing up in the late 60s/early 70s, I remember seeing in health education class spider webs spun on hallucinogenics illustrating why drugs were "bad." Ironically, the LSD-inspired web above is a model of symmetry, whereas the benzedrine/speed web is a mess. Similarly, girls I met at parties who were on methamphetamines were an equal mess, always lying-lying-lying to get whatever they wanted from you. If you look closely at the benzedrine/speed web, you can actually see the convoluted logic of methamphetamine lies manifested in the twisty-turny threadings of the web. In terms of spiders, I don't know what you can do with the information above, but this is a definite fact: spiders can't handle speed!

I was so charmed by my little sister I taped a picture of her inside my wallet.

Close-up of Andrea Richter, the original nitrous oxide black widow spider. Click on image to enlarge.

Portrait of Andrea as a nitrous oxide black widow spider greedily devoring a McDonalds happy meal.